well... the last six weeks or so have been overwhelming. throughout the second half of October, I kept holding off on writing about anything that was going on, mostly because I felt like none of it was mine to write about. so many of my friends had serious loss and sadness in their lives in such a short time, and all I could do was stand by and try to support them. I was already feeling pretty vulnerable after what had happened with Alex, and I was really struggling to keep my emotional resources from being completely exhausted. I actually thought it might be possible... until my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma.

( more depressing stuff behind the cut. )

a few good things have happened in the midst of all this, of course. ( short version: I'm employed, democracy works, studying works, friends are nice to have. )

in spite of my persistent cough and the emotional impact of my grandmother's decision, I was starting to feel, by the time this weekend came around, like things might be getting better. Friday night I got to hang out with the local chapter of the Divine 13 for a while, which doesn't happen as regularly as any of us would like, I think. (not that I can really complain... in fact, I must owe Laura some kind of debt of honor by now for all the times she's done my share of planning D13 activities as well as her own.)

then on Saturday afternoon, I was grocery shopping after my shift at the coffee shop and got a call from my sister, who told me she'd just been on the phone with my dad, who had gotten a frantic and tearful phone call from my mom saying that something terrible had happened. (who says my family can't communicate?) I came home to learn that one of my cousins - the youngest son of my mom's older sister - had died in his sleep on Friday night. he was 25 years old. twenty-fucking-five. we don't yet know what happened, except that he wasn't using drugs and it's very unlikely that it was suicide - i.e., it was probably some undetected medical condition. my mother was beside herself. I haven't seen her cry that much in years. I think in some misplaced way she feels responsible or guilty. since my aunt died a little over 5 years ago, my mom has always felt like she had to take care of her nephews, even though they live 2000 miles away and were already basically adults by that time.

as for me, well, I'm a little bit shell-shocked. I feel like the only rational reaction is to put 100 percent of my energy into everything I'm doing right now, because - well - because I'm still here, and I'm damn lucky, and I'm just in the process of realizing that. at the same time, ironically, I was so blindsided by this that I'm having a hard time sorting out what I want and need to do... my brain is just shaken up and discombobulated, I guess.

yeah... definitely glad this is going to be a three-day week.

so in my last entry, I came up with this theory regarding the boy situation: "there is the possibility that he's not actually that attracted to me, and what happened last Thursday was just a matter of convenience and proximity and me being an idiot." remember that? (I don't know who the hell that question is directed at... let's consider it rhetorical and leave it at that.)

anyway, as it turns out, ( I was right. )

it seems like no one is around - well, it seemed that way last night, but I didn't really make much of an effort to find out today. Helen is home, but unfortunately, it's because her grandmother is dying, so her family rightly takes precedence. I picked her up at the airport yesterday, and it was really good to talk to her for the two hours (!) it took me to drive her home, but I probably won't see her again this weekend. Dan, who is usually good for talking some sense into me, is also dealing with the death of a family member; if anything, I should be the one providing emotional support to him. Jenny's sleep schedule is even more fucked up than mine, so I haven't seen her since Tuesday. even my parents are gone; they went to New Hampshire for the weekend, and of course, it's much easier to sleep all day and be totally unproductive when they're not around. (this is one of the non-financial reasons I hesitate to move out and live on my own.) oh, and just to make life even more awesome, they called a few hours ago to tell me that my grandmother has been admitted to the hospital again, for "a few days" or more. this is cause for mild rather than intense worry, but it's still upsetting.

tomorrow should be better. I'm going out to brunch at '50s Diner with Laura, Sandy and Naim, and it's supposed to be a beautiful day, so hopefully being unconscious won't have quite as much appeal. my parents are coming back from New Hampshire, and while I don't know if having them around will make me feel better, it will certainly leave me with less uninterrupted time to think. (that tends to be the main effect they have on my life.) I'm also thinking about going to the knitsmiths meeting at Brookline Booksmith tomorrow evening; I haven't touched my needles in a while, and doing something creative would probably do me good.

I have all kinds of plans for the week ahead, as well; I just hope I can dredge up the energy to actually accomplish them.

I accompanied Jenny to Beth Israel this morning, ( because I'm her bosom buddy. )

of course, even the importance of my role in Jenny's problems wasn't enough to distract me from my own petty ones - namely, the Boy Conundrum. I made a quick call last night to let him know that I wanted to talk this week, preferably in person. he invited me over for dinner on Thursday, and after a little bit of hesitation (admittedly, not much), I agreed. I am both hoping and fearing that this will lead to us making out again. of course, there is the possibility that he's not actually that attracted to me, and what happened last Thursday was just a matter of convenience and proximity and me being an idiot. (just for the record, if that turns out to be the case, I might have to accept my obvious destiny and become a nun.) regardless, I need to look stunning, without looking like I'm trying to look stunning... truly a dilemma of VAST PROPORTIONS!! okay, I'm superficial, live with it.

on the bright side, I managed to get three resumes sent out before I went to Jenny's last night. I'm hoping the job search, along with homework, will give me something constructive to do and help keep me from obsessing over all the questions I want to ask him. because that's totally going to happen... right?

p.s. sorry about the terrible pun in the lj-cut. I just couldn't resist...

wow. I had the feeling the axe would fall eventually, that it was too good to be true, but even I was surprised by the turnaround time. I didn't even have to wait a full 24 hours for rejection.

he said he's not in the right "mental state" to be in a relationship right now. he really enjoys spending time with me - and yes, making out with me - but he thinks we should just be friends.

he said that what he did on Thursday night was "rash". that hurt the most, I think. I do not want to be a regret. and if he wishes it hadn't happened, it makes it hard for me to be glad it did.

it is probably not a good idea to make sudden movements around me or look me directly in the eye for the time being. when startled, a wounded animal may bite.

so, uh, about that last post of mine...

I've never been so happy to be wrong.

it's almost as if I've been stuck thinking of myself as "sweet sixteen and never been kissed" for the last six years.

it feels good to be free of that.

it feels really, really good.

and it's become just like a chemical stress
tracing the lines in my face for
something more beautiful than is there

I've barely been gone.

I feel a return to the familiar landscape of romantic disappointment is imminent.

I think I'm an idiot for hoping it might be different this time.

so, if there's one thing I learned tonight, it is this:

buffalo wings, even boneless ones, are NOT good date food.

also, if burndt_jamb tries to give you advice about shoes, you should probably take it. I did! *cheesy thumbs-up*

...but my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth

most mornings I wake up and find myself completely unprepared to meet the demands of consciousness. ( I am not being dramatic... )

this realization probably came late, since I can easily identify this behavior pattern as one of the problems that led to me leaving Barnard. better late than never, though, I suppose. hopefully now I can work on changing it along with everything else.

another thing I realized yesterday is that I am SHIT CRAZY BEHIND on my final paper, which is due next week. after working all those extra hours last week, I sort of let my homework slide because I thought I deserved a break. I definitely let the break go on too long - i.e., through Monday and yesterday, even though I wasn't working - but the realization kind of lit a fire under me and I got a lot of work done on it today. definitely still scared about my ability to get it done, particularly with 3 8-hour shifts and a trip to Long Island between now and next Wednesday, but also strangely trustful of myself. not totally in denial (I think), just feeling prepared and hopeful.

we'll see what happens. it's probably a good idea for me to go do some more work on that now.

whew. okay. things have improved quite a bit since Monday. of course, a big part of that is me managing my reactions/overreactions to things. I think I was right to be upset and somewhat disappointed in myself on Monday, but I was also exhausted and sleep-deprived and overworked. I'm still exhausted and sleep-deprived and overworked, but I'm feeling a little more optimistic about things.

( somewhat pointless, but altogether positive ramble about work-related stuff )

a few other things that are making me more cheerful:
1. rain has drastically reduced the pollen count.
2. I got my tax refunds on Monday, over $500 in total.
3. I expect that later this week, the library will finally fulfill my request for the first season of The X-Files on DVD... yeah, I know I'm hugely uncool, but I can't wait to sit down and have a geekfest with it sometime this weekend.
4. I bought a green dress online, which should also be here by the end of the week, so I can wear it to graduation parties and such. also it was 20% off!
5. I'm seeing Wicked on Saturday with my family, for Mother's Day.

so, the upshot is that I seem to be bouncing back much faster than usual from the latest blow to my ego. I'm feeling such a dramatic difference that I think at least some of it has to be due to the Wellbutrin, but I suppose in theory it could just be that I'm too busy to dwell. that's never really stopped me in the past, though. hmmm.

time for a nap, I think.

oh God. so far this week is going even worse than I expected, which is saying A LOT, especially this early on.

couldn't sleep last night, only got four hours (after only getting three hours Saturday night & working eight on Sunday). showed up to work at 8 am and discovered we were short two people because the opener called in sick at the very last minute (note: you are not supposed to do this at Starbucks unless you are potentially contagious or near death; I have worked through blinding migraines before) and our manager had to meet with the new district manager instead of being in the store. everything was complete chaos, and I was so fucking grouchy by the end of the day that I'm sure I made all my coworkers hate me.

on a (small) positive note, I got my first ever MUG ("moves of uncommon greatness") award for all the extra hours I've been working to help keep the store running. I would have been really excited and pleased by this if I hadn't been shaking with exhaustion. any optimism I was feeling was dashed when Lisa (my boss) told me seriously that she needed to have a "heart to heart" with me. this ended up being a conversation about my "tone". apparently there have been complaints about me because I come off as harsh or abrasive or rude without realizing it. (if you agree with this, please don't say that here, even if you want to offer suggestions and help. I can't handle it right now.) I thought I had been improving in terms of making nice with my coworkers (this is something Lisa mentioned to me awhile ago, although at the time I thought she was exaggerating) but apparently the "situation" hasn't gotten any better. I cried for a few minutes before we even sat down to have the "heart to heart", because I was so tired and frustrated and scared of what she was going to say to me. I was in or near tears for most of the conversation itself, which REALLY impressed my boss, I'm sure. [/sarcasm]

at least she was relatively nice about it. apparently she's figured out how to soften the blow of criticism with moderate doses of praise/appreciation. she basically said that she knows how much the job and the store mean to me (although I doubt she actually does) and recognized how hard I've been working lately, but of course the focus of the conversation was on what I'm doing wrong, not what I'm doing well.

I'm so tempted to quit my job right now; I feel like I won't ever be able to improve, since I almost never realize in the moment that I'm doing anything wrong. also, now I'm afraid that all my coworkers hate me, and I know I'll start acting awkward around them, which will probably just make things worse. seriously, I think my heart is half broken right now. I thought I was doing so much better at work and now I just feel like... a complete piece of shit. a worthless bitch. a hateful waste of skin.

I could keep going. I'm not fishing for compliments or reassurance that I'm not any of these things. I feel what I feel and either it'll go away eventually or I'll get really, really depressed again. whatever. at this point I honestly don't feel like it matters that much.

STARBUCKS IS TAKING OVER MY LIFE. no, seriously, this week it's official. I'm working every day tomorrow through next Sunday, except for possibly Monday. I went in today planning to do an hour-and-a-half Coffee Master training module, and got guilted into staying and working on the floor for five hours because they were really understaffed. I'm pretty fucking cranky about it now, so I can't even imagine how unhappy I'll be by the end of the week.

this weekend work has interfered/will interfere with:
my cousin's First Communion & accompanying party
my cousin's Confirmation & accompanying party
my uncle's book reading & accompanying party
catching up on homework
catching up on sleep
cleaning my room
doing laundry
painting my bookshelf

to be honest, I don't feel that bad about missing the family parties. I feel I should go to them out of familial obligation or guilt, not because I think they're really that important. I mean, I didn't get a party for my First Communion or Confirmation, or the first book I got publish---uhh, okay, so maybe that third one is kind of important. it still doesn't enable me to skip my MANDATORY STAFF MEETING at work tomorrow night. (gah.)

so... yeah. those few of you who actually read this, consider yourselves warned. I am likely to be very grouchy this week. don't take it personally!

EDIT: I was wrong. I am not working every day this week except Monday. I am working every day this week, including Monday. that means 9 days straight, or 10 if they decide to assign me a shift next Monday too. I'm at 40 hours for the coming week, when my usual limit is 20 because of class and such. argh.

_jejune and burndt_jamb sometimes do this, and I decided to give it a try.

happy things today:
1. I AM FINALLY, ACTUALLY, COMPLETELY DONE WITH MY ULYSSES PAPER. I'm so glad to get the damn thing out of my sight.
2. white mocha
3. Jenny's dog Oliver = cuddliness (he's a model!)
4. coworker Wes and his completely off-the-wall ideas ("I'm going to move the coffee urns over here and switch everything around, and then everybody will be really confused tomorrow")
5. I love it when my mom cooks for me <3
6. Cillian Murphy playing possibly the most adorable transvestite in the history of mankind in Breakfast on Pluto ...
7. ... and Liam Neeson playing his priest/father.
8. lovable geeky boys
9. the Divine 13 - just the fact that they exist :-)
10. oatmeal raisin cookies, 'cause they are totally old-school and yummy.

ending the day on a happy note, I guess. not to mention I AM SO EXCITED FOR SLEEP. goodnight :-D

Things I did this weekend: ( a short list. )

My life: exciting as always. Being sick has made me so depressed and unmotivated (like that's unusual). I haven't caught up on any of my classwork, including the paper I was too sick to finish/hand in last week. Two weeks ago I was dying to return to New York and go back to school full-time, and now I feel like I couldn't give a damn. I wish my brain would not feel the need to make me miserable every time I am feeling remotely encouraged and happy about life.

To make matters worse, my manager at S'bux keeps screwing me over with the scheduling. Last week I had to close on Thursday (till 9:30) and work at 6 am on Friday. Ok, so she couldn't have known I'd be deathly sick, but still, isn't that a bit unnecessary? Then this week, she scheduled me for a shift starting at 7am on Thursday. I'm not available before 11 am on Thursdays, and haven't been for at least 3 months, because I have therapy on Thursday mornings. GRRR. JUST TRY TO MAKE ME WORK IT, BITCH.

Okay, I'm done whining, and will be going to bed probably sometime in the next half-hour, partially because I can't really deal with things right now but mostly because I have to work at 6 am again tomorrow. See you all in Starbucks hell.

My coworker-on-whom-I-am-trying-not-to-have-a-crush and I mysteriously have the same illness. We literally have the exact same symptoms, except mine started showing up about two days later than his. My last three shifts were with him (two where we closed together, tonight I closed and he was the pre-closer), so we've basically been alternating times to go into the back room and have coughing fits, take Dayquil or Advil, etc. etc. Today while I was on my break, calling people to see if I could get anyone to cover my *SIX AM* shift tomorrow (ugh), he came in the back, saw me sitting there looking absolutely miserable, and said amiably, "We're so gross." I was like, "I know. I feel like I have leprosy on the inside." He started laughing... which quickly degenerated into coughing.

The point(s) of this story: (a) it's an unlucky kind of irony, because there are some weeks when none of our shifts overlap by more than an hour or two, and (b) shouldn't I at least get to make out with him before I start catching his viruses?!!

pursuant to my whining about my (nonexistent) love life and how I wasn't having much luck with online personals, both _jejune and burndt_jamb exhorted me to join OkCupid. and I did. this has made me happy for two reasons: (1) OkCupid has more members than the first site I joined, and therefore a slightly higher chance that one of them might be interested in me, and (2) it has tests! glorious tests! lots of questions to answer! lots of time to waste!

and oh boy, have I ever been wasting time.

( speaking of which... )

I'd like to say that now that I'm done with that, I can get back to being studious and writing my paper, but I think I have a little more procrastination left in me before that can happen. also, I need to shower. *sigh*

I wish that I had: (pick one) (a) gotten more sleep last night; (b) done more work during the day when I was actually awake; (c) not had to work a 7-hour shift today; (d) never seen nor heard of Ulysses; (e) all of the above.

correct answer, of course, is (e).

This entry is mostly for the benefit of the Divine 13, because I can't imagine that anyone else would be interested.

( cut for stuff no one but Ursuline girls cares about... )

anyway, I should probably get back to reading Ulysses... hrrmph. I can't wait to see the D13 this weekend (and not just for the sake of breaking the monotony, though that's part of it). yay!

So I've been kinda grouchy for the past few days without really knowing why. I mean, I can pinpoint a few things that have given me unhappy moments, but not enough to explain the general low-level crankiness I've been experiencing.

This evening I figured it out. I was on my way home from Harvard Square, where I had spent my meeting with Paige discussing my lack of success with online dating and the crush I think I am developing on my coworker, two hours in class discussing the sexual themes in Ulysses, and then another two hours watching the movie version, which of course is all about the sexual themes. I was in my car, swearing at some hapless pedestrian and wondering why I felt so keyed-up, when I realized that my current mood is probably due to a pretty high level of sexual frustration. And by pretty high I mean HOLY SHIT, I NEED SOME ACTION.

This sucks. And there is nothing really to be done about it. I just needed to bitch.

So according to my income tax returns, I made $9,966.23 in 2005.

Which forces me to ask myself:

WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THAT MONEY GO?!

Right now I have approximately $575 to my name. I will be getting an unusually large federal tax refund, but about $425 of that is tuition credit from the class I took last summer, which my dad paid for. I feel like it's not much different from my dad giving me a few hundred dollars (which, happily, he hasn't had to do for a while).

Apparently while I was spending the last couple of years freaking out about my lack of organizational abilities, time management skills, study habits, self-motivation etc., the fact that I'm completely inept in money matters somehow escaped my notice. I guess it's all part of the same package.

I would love to say, "Well, okay, now that I've come to this realization, I'll get to work on that right away," but somehow I don't see it happening. Possibly I owe that feeling to the mile-long list of Major Life Issues I Have To Resolve, starting with Not Letting My Emotions Control Everything I Do and including other important items such as The Fact That I Am Always Late For Shit and My Inability To Motivate Myself To Exercise.

And then there's the dilemma of proving to myself (and, uh, my therapist) that I might finally be approaching readiness to go back to school. This entails, in the immediate future, reading the rest of Ulysses and writing a paper on it in the next seven days; and in a broader time frame, generally Getting My Act Together, always a vague and scary proposition.

Saying this could give plenty of people good reason to hate me, but I almost wish the size of my paycheck could be my biggest problem right now.

... I probably should have realized before I left the house that an umbrella would do me no good today. I need something that provides better wind and rain protection, like a raincoat with a hood, or a full-body wet suit complete with neoprene balaclava. Sex-sayy.

New York was great. I love running into random acquaintances when I'm visiting campus who are like, "Oh right... what are you doing with your life right now?" Telling people I'm a paralegal has a certain allure, although I do usually 'fess up to the fact that I'm not a very good one. I pretty much did nothing but talk all weekend, but did I ever talk... about three hundred miles a minute the whole time. And even though I didn't get to catch up with everybody, that's okay, because I'm going back in two weeks. Hooray. :-)

If all goes according to plan, this upcoming weekend will involve Halloween and autumnal-type festivities, some money-makin' good times at Starbucks, and even a little bit of educational stuff.

Also, presumably, rain. WHEN WILL IT STOP!??!?!11one1!?!interrobang?!

The Laptop Backlash: Wireless Classrooms Promote Messaging and Web Surfing, Not Learning, Professors Say

And just in case you don't have a Wall Street Journal Online subscription or an employer you can rip one off from: ( the full article. )

What earth-shattering piece of news will they come up with next? Employees using company computers to access the internets - perhaps even blogging WHILE AT WORK?!

Inconceivable.